Sunday, January 22, 2006

Eureka!


Since I'm still not feeling a 100% well, I've been making up excuses for not blogging. But the truth is, I really don't have anything useful to say at this moment. From Iraq, to Palestine, to the United States, I just am so weary of everything that is being going on. While I was in Minnesota, I tried to put my finger on what it was that was bothering me and there were several reasons I came up with:

1. Darfur. As a student, I was used to working on a project or paper and once it's done at the end of the semester, you hand it in and recive a grade. Period. However working on Darfur the past year has been so disheartening because the situation has worsened and I didn't have anyway of gauging how affective my work has been. The New Year started off badly in the region with tensions escalating and for us at work to come up with new strategies for the year. I guess it's just a part of growing up.

2. Religion. For some reason, I feel so emotionally & religiously empty - as I glance at all the debates raging about religion, I'm at a lost to know what I believe anymore. I have so many questions and have no one to turn to and it has been really frustrating.

3. Purpose. While I was in Minnesota, I was glad to be amongst my huge family and community members and was t a lost as to what to say when people asked me when I was coming back. I didn’t have the heart to tell them that there was a reason I had left in the first place and that has not changed. But while I was at the airport, my heart felt heavy & I wasn’t so excited to come back to DC. While the plane was landing at Reagan National Airport, I caught a glimpse of the Washington Monument and smiled. I was home. I know that at this point in my life I need to be here but I also feel like I’ve lost touch with reality. Living in the beltway exposes you to a completely different lifestyle. Not only that, it really bothers me that I have not left the United States since I came back from Jordan two years ago. I know I can’t help my financial or passport situation but it’s really bothering me and I’m yearning to cross the Atlantic again. I want to go to a developing country – while I was walking around Union Station a few days ago, it really hit me that I had been surrounded by luxury for two years and it made me sick. I want to be amongst people who have nothing & directly work with the people who I’m trying to help out in the policy world.

So if I don’t post in a while or write really poor entries, it’s because I’m trying to figure things out. That’s all.